A review of The Substance: 141 minutes of hiding behind my hands
Buying a ticket to see The Substance gave me the same sense of dread I felt when I begrudgingly agreed to watch The Human Centipede when I was fifteen, I knew that this was a horror movie that was going to stick, likely for worse. It’s been 24 hours since I saw it, and I was compelled to take this review outside of Letterboxd, so clearly, it stuck. It’s terrifying, disgusting, relatable, traumatic, and fun all at the same time; everything you could possible want out of a horror movie.
Going into the movie I had a faint sense of what to expect. I’d seen the promo posters and the images of Demi Moore’s sewn up spine. So it wasn’t really a surprise when Margaret Qualley busted out of Demi Moore’s back for her character’s first appearance. Here’s a short premise with some spoilers:
Elizabeth (Demi Moore) loses her job hosting her celebrity workout class. It’s her birthday, she’s been fired by her cartoonishly evil boss Harvey (Dennis Quad), and she gets in a car crash (she’s fine). She’s having the worst day ever and it’s only going to get worse. She’s given the number for THE SUBSTANCE at the hospital after the crash; where she’s told discreetly that she’d be a good candidate. Long story short — she calls, and Sue (Margaret Qualley) is born.
The message of the movie is obvious but impactful, in that it hammers it right into your skull, after seeing one activation injection after another and the absolute brutalization of Elizabeth, who is reminded as she becomes increasingly decrepit and outshined by Sue that her life still matters without her youth. It’s unsurprising that the director and writer, Coralie Fargeat, wrote this based on her own experience as a woman in Hollywood over the age of 40.
Right when you think things will turn around for Elizabeth, she catches a glimpse of her face and then Sue’s on the billboard outside her apartment. Demi Moore is obviously beautiful, which makes it all the more impactful when she goes back to the bathroom over and over again to look in the mirror, add foundation, put on a scarf, take off a scarf, and then scrub lipstick so violently off her face that I actually had to cover my eyes because I thought she’d rip her skin off.
more spoilers ahead
I loved the contrast of this scene with the birth of Monstro Elisasue, who is a horrifying amalgamation of randomly placed hair, eyes, faces, teeth. Monstro Elisasue puts on Sue’s New Year’s Eve Dress and diamond earrings, and doesn’t give up after burning off a piece of her hair with the curling iron. She’s so disgusting and disturbing, but endearing with her determination to put on a pretty dress, look cute, and go OUT!
Monstro Elisasue should’ve stayed home though, and I’ll leave it at that. She shrivels up and dies on Elizabeth Sparkle’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, looking up at the palm trees with sparkles falling, ending the movie as a puddle of blood to parallel where where it all begins.
Would I watch it again? No, once was enough.
Stars: Five
Movies that have similar themes (imo):
Fresh
Barbie
Have fun and don’t barf!
xoxo Katie
last breaths of infinite summers
Something I do when I’m shivering cold and trying to warm up is imagine I’m watching Tangerine or The Florida Project (dir. Sean Baker). That feeling of blistering heat, sun rays hitting the pavement, sweat dripping as you run around the streets with your friends, having a wholesome time despite the chaos of a feverish world.
Two of Opal Age’s editors are from the most insufferably sunny (and in general, lol) places in the US so we are sharing the last rays of summer through these films from our homes as we slip into fall. We were too hot to be bothered writing a snobby think piece on these films so here’s our languid reflections on the bliss these films bring us instead.
The Gist
The Florida Project was dreamed up by Baker, who wanted to show the clash between poverty and extreme wealth. Orlando is the perfect place for this. Did you know it costs like a million dollars to spend 10 minutes in Disney world now? The colors, the filming, the acting, everything in this movie is so perfectly placed together.
Tangerine is such an intense sensory experience. I can smell the laundromats, taco joints, sugary fluorescent donut shops, gusts of metro station filthiness, and sticky-dry sidewalks on my soles. I’m pretty sure this is the first movie I saw portraying sex workers/ trans people as multi-dimensional beings, love that for us. Oh, and it was filmed on an iPhone! Along with immortalizing the power of gossip and two friends on a mission, it viscerally conveys the audacity it takes to walk anywhere in Los Angeles, a harrowing experience in itself.
Be held hostage and dragged by these films in 90+ degree* heat with us. <3
*32+ degrees for the celsius girlies
overall themes
-sun glaring in my eyes!!!!
-garishly colorful motels (the best kind)
-platonic love
Tangerine (2015) notes
- being broke but still buying donuts and paying bills for your friends, queerness and immigration to the US, everywhere is a walkable community *if you believe.* 2015 already feels nostalgic?????, peace amidst chaos (car wash head/ tucking hair behind someone's ear in a bar bathroom), it’s about who you share wigs with at the end of the day <3
-Alexandra paying the bouncer at the venue to perform her songs is such a classic creative dilemma/ mood. (also so real cause you can’t even look at hamburger marys without spending $20) she handed out b&w fliers all day to everyone she talked to on the street and only SinDee showed up late with her hostage, Desiree? Destiny? D-something, oh- Dinah.
-sun blasting even though it's christmas eve, (i literally forgot this was technically a christmas movie cause it’s so bright that you feel hot watching it), bus/city night lights, the evening glow of the hamburger marys, and everything looks like it’s in a 2015 instagram filter
-if nothing else, this movie is about TENDERNESS. i cry.
-girlies on quests for fulfillment. navigating love/ relationships as trans Black sex workers.
-set in east Hollywood strolling down Santa Monica Blvd. / Little Armenia
“Լոս Անջելեսը գեղեցիկ փաթաթված սուտ է:”
(“Los Angeles is a beautifully wrapped up lie”) -Razmik’s chismosa M.I.L.
“Agree to disagree” -Karo, taxi driver/ narc
Florida Project (2017) notes
-Celebrate is a perfect song for the opening credits, reminiscent of that one Disney sing-a-long I used to watch over and over and over as a kid.
-The COLOURS!!!
Iconic buildings:
-Orange world
-Gift shop
-Twistee treat
-“The doctor says we’ve got asthma and we’ve got to eat ice cream.”
-Willem Dafoe lighting a cigarette and then all the lights come on after it (great shot, purple colors)
-The stare down between dafoe and the kids when they’re eating the ice cream “I warned you one drip and you’re out” Did you know that when Moonee says “You’re not welcome” in this scene, that it’s improvised?
“Hey you know there’s alligators in there?”
collaborative piece by Katie (The Florida Project) and Claude (Tangerine)
Hot Opal Summer
We’re rethinking things, and learning how to expand our Opal universe. Part of our pause serves to update our archive, to give our editions a permanent home on our website. So far, Chariot, Sun, and Hermit have been published with the rest on their way. With our newfound computer skills, Opal Age will be changing (for the better) once we reopen our doors to submissions in the fall.
We’re celebrating Hot Opal Summer with a break, but we couldn’t resist starting a blog in the meantime. We’ll be posting about our adventures, recommendations, musings, ways to support the world (with instructions on donating e-sims for Palestine), and we’ll be accepting your blog submissions, too — if you feel so inclined.
Here’s what we’ve been doing while we’ve been away from the Opal Office.
Claude
Travels
Not on my 2024 Bingo Card this year was living between Michigan and California. Once again, I've been greeted by the pangs of grief and the joy of new unclehood. Between crying by creeks, getting bit by mosquitos, and building furniture to oncle jazz; I’m sitting diligently with the circle of life with minimal wifi to boot.
Co-Creation
I’m spending as much time with as many bodies of water as possible. The sea, the creeks, my thoughts, and the great lakes are all trying to whisper something to me- mysterious but clear. Summer nights are spent writing more casually or critically depending on what the heat allows. It’s my heart's desire that I go on at least ONE (1) cute date this summer. After all, even Opal’ers need a hand to hold.
Claude's Summer Reading List
Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler
Song of the Lioness Series by Tamora Pierce
Romance in Marseille by Claude McKay
From What Is to What If: Unleashing the Power of Imagination to Create the Future We Want by Rob Hopkins
The Fire Next Timeby James Baldwin
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Parable of the Sower
Katie
Travels
My mom visited and we took a bus and to Vienna. This choice was fueled by her decades long obsession with Marie Antoinette, leading us to Schönbrunn Palace. The trip was beautiful until it was not; we spent most of our excursion to Hallstatt and our return back to Prague talking to emergency vets in train tunnels with no service and crying by the most picturesque lake in the world. My chihuahua didn’t make it.
Crafting
I’m making bracelets, molding little clay fish beads, helping my girlfriend glue rhinestones to a satin dress. I want to make my own lamp (seems easy), get into painting (seems hard), and finally fix my sewing machine so I can actually learn how to make my own pants that fit. The list is endless and growing.
Katie’s Summer Reading List (maximum emotional damage)
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield
Peter
How beautiful and how terrible is it all! The extreme heat and the extreme grief draw me to comfort when I can; to stories and faces that first showed me the kindness and the art that exists in this world. Being my chosen namesake it may come as no surprise that I often turn to the wisdom of Mister Rogers. I also find joy, time and time again, in dinosaurs. A reminder of the promise that we will end and the Earth will still turn in our absence. I have found relief in a diagnosis, while my disability has expanded so has my knowledge of myself and the ways in which I can learn to take care. Our neighbors, our Earth, ourselves, and my new cane. What more could any season give us?
